Any Other Business

MERVYN THE MONKEY mops up



So, yet again Pools do the bad month/good month routine but with so many clubs losing so many games to the coronavirus, the great December run has done wonders for Pools in the league table, finding them second top, 11 points behind Torquay.

However the uneven numbers of games lost to the virus make the league table virtually irrelevant, so the best guide is points-per-game, which puts Pools in 5th place. So all we can really say is that the automatic promotion place is more or less spoken for with Pools being in the play-offs pack, but with the season being two months behind where it would normally be, perhaps it's too early to even say that.



Billy's Contract tells us he recently saw a bus with its digital destination display alternately showing "Middlesbrough" and "Face masks must be worn". He wondered if the latter was specifically connected with the coronavirus or was just a sensible precaution for anyone travelling to Teeside *.

[* Not a typo - BC just loves irritating "Teesiders"]



And that bit of local rivalry reminded me that I watched the BBC2 fishing programme over the holiday in which Bob Mortimer gave fellow comedian Paul Whitehouse a tour of Bob's home town of Middlesbrough and of the North Yorkshire Moors, as well as going fishing in the Tees, the Esk and the North Sea.

Bob unexpectedly slipped in a couple of local words. He referred to himself as a Smoggie, which I hadn't heard used except in a football context, but I suppose that if we're proud of being monkey hangers, why shouldn't they be proud of being smog monsters?

The other word he slipped in, no doubt deliberately, was "owwie" (not sure how you spell it) as in "owwie mate, let's go", which you don't hear too far from the mouth of the Tees, and certainly not here in the Midlands!



Just to cheer everyone up, Shedrick sent us a list of things that Poolies wouldn’t want to hear just after they’ve passed away*.

You won’t need that scarf down here.
Manchester United 0 - Hartlepool United 10.
Hartlepool United 0 - Darlington 10.
I’m the Frenchman that you thought was a monkey.
Hey doc, there’s still a few years left in this liver.
I’m afraid it’s only vegan Bovril served here.
You took Viagra just before you died; I'm afraid you're stuck with it now.
All the harps are taken. How about a banjo?

[* Technically they'd hear nothing anyway, what with them being dead]



And finally, we'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year.

It could hardly be worse than 2020 was, but with the new virus strain spreading fast, and all the mad things that have happened in the last few years, who really knows?




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