Geordie the Bruce, a possible descendant of Robert de Brus, Lord of Hartlepool, is back in his shed, contemplating his position after a 5-0 defeat leaves them second bottom of the Premier League.

He had known when he took the job that it wouldn’t be easy to keep his difficult boss, the Lord of Newcastle, Michael de Ashley, happy.

But he never expected things to get this bad this quickly. Still, he’d been around a bit, managed lots of clubs, been sacked, relegated and promoted, got into Europe and seen it all before, so if anyone could turn things around, it was him, even if the three clubs which sacked him might not agree.

Of course he put on a confident front. Wimps don’t survive long with His Lordship. But after so many years and so many clubs, his enthusiasm for yet another relegation fight was starting to wane.

So there he was in his shed, trying to gain inspiration from Sid the Spider, who would just keep going, whatever happened. Life was simple for Sid – build a web and wait on it for a meal to turn up. If the web got broken, fix it or build another one, and don’t waste time worrying about it or complaining. Just get it done.

Then that gave Geordie the Bruce an idea. Why not ignore all the niceities and be ruthless in achieving the goal.

Don’t worry about the rules, they’re only for losers. Why not announce that he intended to have the situation turned around by October 31st, “come what may.” Why not warn of riots if anyone tried to stop him, and blame everyone else if it all went wrong. It seems to be a fashionable philosophy at the moment, so why not in football?

Sid was sat there in the middle of his web and he said “You’re just copying that Boris Johnson, aren’t you? Surely you’re better than that!”

And Geordie the Bruce replied “Oh no we're not ...the league table doesn’t lie!”