Jon Goes to Tranmere

Another Janice and Jon story by SHEDRICK

Janice was going to the garden centre with her friend Mavis, who needed to find a man to trim her overgrown bush. 

She thought it unwise to take Jon along so suggested he went into town to watch the football on the big screen TV at the Mill House. Jon preferred the Country Firkin but had been banned from there on account of his bad stutter. 

At that moment Jon received a phone call from Mr Bicklethorpe offering him a free coach ticket to the Pools last game of the season at Tranmere and a match ticket too. 

Mr Bicklethorpe's wife had had to drop out at the last minute on account of her job as assistant dog-catcher. Apparently her boss had just suffered a nasty accident while relieving himself in the alley behind the club. He had been celebrating Pools' double survival with a drink or three, but he had carelessly forgotten to tie up the Rottweiler which he had rescued earlier. 

The coach was leaving in 30 minutes so Jon would have to hurry to the bus-stop. Can you skip a mile in 10 minutes, Jon can. 

The journey was great fun, but first Jon needed a fancy dress costume. The coach attendant, who was calling herself Miss Clippy the Clown, said she had a spare pair of baggy striped dungarees he could borrow, and suggested he changed in the coach toilet. 

As it was very cramped she held the door open for him with one hand, while doing yo-yo tricks with the other. Have you ever tried “walking the dog” with a yo-yo? Jon has. See his black eye. 

They finally arrived in Tranmere. Jon thought it looked a bit like Middlesbrough without the smog, but windier. 

The home fans were surprised to see all the Pools fans in their clown outfits, but not as surprised as the Pools fans were when they won the match and had to put their clown faces on the other way up. 

It was quite late when Jon arrived home. 

“Did you have a nice time?” Janice asked. “Oh yes” said Jon. 

“I managed to get into Miss Clippy’s dungarees. She suggested we did it in the coach toilet where she performed tricks. It was quite a squeeze but I finally managed to get it on, and then everyone on the coach cheered. 

Jon now has two black eyes. Do you know the words to a song with that name? Jon does!