Dear Norgas

While Vicki Park is away, this month we welcome NORGAS POWER to answer your worrying questions

Dear Norgas,
I am a lower-league footballer, called up to join my national squad for an international match. Is there any advice you can give me for how to behave among top international players?
TC, Hartlepool

Dear TC,
Let's get this straight. You have been selected therefore you have every right to be there, so there's no need to feel like an outsider, or inferior in any way. Don't be overawed in mixing with famous players. They may have mansions and flash cars but remember that it's talent and not wealth that got you picked. So when they're boasting about their snooker rooms and home cinemas just say that you haven't finalised your plans yet. And when the conversation inevitably gets round to Ferraris just remind them that those would be useless for collecting sea-coal on Seaton beach, and ask them if anyone else has a 4-wheel-drive lorry.

Of course, if you're only playing for a small country with no real stars, then it might be tactful to not mention the lorry at all, as that may sound like boasting.

Dear Norgas,
I am a well-known television football presenter and my allegiance to a certain lower-league team is also well known. I have recently taken a position as presenter of an early evening quiz show on a major terrestrial TV channel, and wondered if it would be appropriate to mention that allegiance, or it it best that it stays hidden.
JS Hampshire

Dear JS,
I presume that your normal audience is mostly composed of football fans, but a general audience quite often includes people who wouldn't know if Hampstead was a Premier League team, let alone Chelsea. So I'd say that you should definitely steer clear of mentioning your lower-league team. Unless, of course, you learn that one of the contestants is a fan of a former local rival team to your own which now languishes in an even lower league.

Dear Norgas,
I am a well-known television football presenter who recently had to present a programme wearing only my underwear after a confident prediction went wrong. I was eventually able to be fully-clothed for some of the programme, but do you think this could be traumatic and I may need counselling?
GL London

Dear GL,
I would very much doubt it, and I would have thought that you presenters would be showoffs who would quite like to do that sort of thing anyway. If you just think of it as having appeared in fancy dress, which most people do from time to time without requiring counselling, what's the difference? It's not as if you were having to dress in some weird costume for a crisp advert, is it?

Dear Norgas,
I am an experienced professional footballer who has played for many clubs, but I was shocked recently by the abuse I was given by the fans upon my return to one of my former clubs. Surely, in an era of greater tolerance towards all sections of the community, it's about time that this sort of abuse was stamped out from the modern game, so we hardworking professionals will no longer have to be exposed to it.
JC, Newport (the South Wales one, not the Middlesbrough one)

Dear JC,
You are of course completely correct. This is disgusting behaviour and cannot be condoned. So I would speak to our readers directly here, and ask that they refrain from verbally abusing any hardworking former players.