Charge at the Light Brigade

JANE AUSTEN'S ALLEGRO is scathing about England's performance in France

Am I not alone in thinking that England's performance in France was nothing short of a national disgrace?

Many of the big names did not turn up or stayed at home. Commentators say that England had no game plan and that the tactics were not only outdated but totally inadequate for the quality of opponents that we were up against. England throughout the tournament were out-thought, out-manoeuvred and embarrassingly out-fought, and regularly were out-on-their-feet. Fitness levels, it has to be said, were nothing short of appalling.

Leadership from above was lacking in all areas and it was clear that there was no guidance, no plan of attack or, worse still, no plan B. In fact I don't believe that there was actually a plan A.

Defensively we looked totally disorganised, particularly in the opening stages against Russia, and despite fighting gamely we just could not break them down. Worse was to follow when Russia caught England with an injury-time counter attack and a sucker punch so devastating that it left many of the England squad in a daze and wondering what had hit them.

In my opinion the boys wearing the White/Red of England let us down very badly. In the past we have always put up a decent fight but in France we capitulated and were humiliated for all the world to see.

Now that Sir John Chilcot has got time on his hands I feel that a full scale investigation should take place with immediate effect, not by the impotent FA but by the Government itself to find out why our Football hooligans performed so badly on the international stage, particularly against their Russian rivals, who had obviously taken this tournament far more seriously than their English counterparts.

"In France we capitulated and were humiliated for all the world to see."
Such was the England fans' vulnerability that even the French, yes the French, with their unreliable Renaults and Citroens, and history of surrendering, dared to have a pop at the once most feared football fans in the world.

The Russians, to their credit, invested heavily in their hooligan project. Only the fittest were selected and were subjected to a strict training regime in ex-KGB camps which are not  marked on any map. When they left these camps they were lean, mean and muscular, without a beer belly on display. 

After months of training the Ruskies were well versed, and had black belts in the ancient art of Chaise Longue weaponry, the most favoured of these armaments being the cafe/bar stool and the infamous 'Decking' chair. The name of this feared instrument says it all.

The Government as a matter of urgency wants to redress this situation and are already in protracted discussions with Millwall and Leeds bovver boys as well as the West Ham Intercity crew (although not in the same room at the same time), to see what can be done to restore the country's pride.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the Provisional Brus Boot Boys said 'Ummmerrrr like grhhhhgaw ock ock la laa like' which when translated blamed Brexit and a lack of Government and EU funding for our failings in France and have suggested alternative funding should come from the private sector such as Stella and Doc Martens.

Over the decades England has lost its coal mines, shipyards and most of its steel industry. Surely we are not  about to witness the demise of the English soccer hooligan?

Let's hope so.

As Mr Putin allegedly said "Mr Cameron, your boys have taken one hell of a beating."