Owton Abbey Secret Script

BILL THE BIRO reveals one that got away

Now that Julian Fellowes’ phenomenally successful TV series is coming to an end, we can reveal one of the scripts that didn’t make it into the final series.

Scene 1. [Lord Hodcroft’s Study. Moore enters, and coughs.]
Lord HodcroftAh, Moore! I have some important news for you. I’m afraid there are going to be changes at Owton. As you know, my oil investments been giving some concern of late, and as a result we are having to sell Owton and move back to the house in Toon. Accordingly we have sold the house to some nouveau-riche businessmen and you will all be working for them from now on.
MooreVery good, my lord, Will that be all, my lord?
Lord HodcroftYes, thank you Moore, but would you be kind enough to pass on that infomation below stairs?
Scene 2 [The Servants’ Hall. Moore enters, and coughs]
Moore Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed by his lordship that due to the financial situation, he and his family are unable to remain at Owton and accordingly have sold it, so we are now all employed by the new owners. Obviously, until we know their plans, this will be a worrying time for all of us.
Scene 3[Lord Hodcroft’s Study. The Dowager Lady Hodcroft (mother of Lord H) enters.]
Lady HodcroftSo you’ve broken the news to Moore then, John? How did he take it?
Lord HodcroftOn the chin, as ever, Mama.
Lady Hodcroft I fear for the worst. I know we needed the money, but these get-rich-quick types don’t, unlike us, tend to have the respect for tradition and for doing things properly.
Lord HodcroftNever mind, Owton is not ours to worry about any longer.
Scene 4[The staff are all lined up to welcome the new owner, Mr Gary Coxall, as he arrives in his flash car. He leaves the car and waves to the staff]
Mr. CoxallHi!
MooreOn behalf of the whole staff may I welcome you to Owton Abbey, and offer the hope that your time with us will be a happy one, Mr Coxall. And now , may I introduce the staff?
Mr. CoxallGreat, and please all call me Gary, …er, Ronnie isn’t it?
MooreYes, my …er …Mr. Coxall.
[The staff are introduced, one by one, but at the end of the line Mr Coxall spots H’Angus. Mr. Coxall whispers to Moore.]
Mr. CoxallHe looks odd, what does he do?
MooreHe doesn’t really do much at all, other than walk about a bit, my …er Gary.
Mr. CoxallSo we pay him for doing nothing then?
MooreWell, he entertains the youngsters.
Mr. CoxallSo, does he sing, or dance, or tell jokes?
MooreNo, he has his photo taken with all the younger visitors.
Mr. CoxallWell, why didn’t you say he’s in marketing?