Anyone But Pools


They say it's not over until the fat lady sings, but I'm already planning days out in Dover, Lincoln and Chester next season. No-one can deny the team and the set-up at the club just isn't up to scratch, but I can't help feeling a great sense of injustice that we are going to lose our league status after all this time. Especially when there are all those other teams in League Two who for one reason and another should go down instead of us.

Below is a list of these teams, together with my irrationally prejudiced reasons as to why they deserve to go down more than we do:

Accrington Stanley
Crap ground, tiny attendances, have an old bloke's name, and were once the subject of ridicule by scouse boys in an advert for milk.

Burton Albion
A town full of great pubs, sadly none of them near the soulless purpose-built stadium which struggles to attract 3,000 souls, even when they're in the top three.

A club apparently spending money they don't have, just a few years after loads of financial chew. And despite people in Bury banging on about how great their black pudding is, I can tell you that it is average at best.

Cambridge United
One of many towns and cities who seem embarrassed to have a football team. Seemed to be suited to life in the Conference, so that's where they should go back to.

Carlisle United
Even for Pools fans, a trip to Brunton Park is a bit of a schlepp. Ideally they should be in the Scottish leagues.

Cheltenham Town
Poxy ground on the outskirts of a town more famed for horse racing and a Ladies' College.

Dagenham and Redbridge
An amalgamation of two teams doesn't sit well with me. Especially when the club is situated in a grimy bit of the London/Essex vortex.

Exeter City
Exeter is a lovely little city, which has so much going for it that it quite frankly doesn't need a football team.

Luton Town
If you've never been to Kenilworth Road, don't bother. To get in the away end, you have to sneak down an alleyway and climb over back yard walls, before watching Easyjets fly overhead every two minutes.

Mansfield Town
Thoroughly dull and depressing place, which produced Rebecca Adlington but absolutely nothing else of merit.

Why should a town which is only really known for how dangerous the tides are be allowed to have a league football team?

Newport County
For starters Newport isn't even a county, it's a grim little town in south Wales.

Northampton Town
Play in an utterly charmless purpose-built stadium in one of the most boring conurbations in the UK. Also features a very badly-designed car park which takes hours to get out of after a match.

Oxford United
The boat race should be enough sporting activity for them, not playing in a ground in the middle of nowhere which has been three quarters finished for over a decade.

Plymouth Argyle
It's bloody miles away, and they play in an awful green strip.

Should have gone bust, but for the football authorities bending the rules for them as they are such a 'big' club. And the bastards nicked the Warrior off us after we did all the work on it.

Shrewsbury Town
T'Pau came from Shrewsbury. It's a swine of a place to get to, and they are one of many to now play in a characterless new stadium when they had a perfectly good one in the town centre.
"Why should a town which is only really known for how dangerous the tides are be allowed to have a league football team?"

Southend United
All of the worst Essex/Cockernee things you can think about, all rolled into a jellied eel/pie and mash knees up whilst getting rained on at the beach. Where the devil himself goes for a holiday.

In the grand scheme of new towns, the runt kid brother of Milton Keynes. One of several johnny-come-latelies occupying league space at the expense of proper traditional clubs like Grimsby and Wrexham.

Tranmere Rovers
One redeeming feature is that they are supported by seminal piss-take band Half Man Half Biscuit. Apart from that, Scousers look down their nose at them.

Wycombe Wanderers
Crap 'modern' ground stuck behind an industrial estate, that has no pubs within two days walking distance. And their celebrity supporter is the insufferably smug smartarse Bill Turnbull.

York City
Yes, an away day in York is probably one of the best in the country, but they're about to ruin all that by moving to yet another sodding purpose-built ground which you can only get to in a vehicle.

Dennis Wise used to play for them. Do I need to say any more? Go on then, they don't even play in Wimbledon.

I can't think of a single reason for Pools to go down. We are a really good away day for visiting fans, our celebrity fan is the universally loved all-round top bloke Jeff Stelling, and without us I doubt Brian Clough would have achieved what he did. Bring back re-election I say!