World Cup 2026

KT POOLIE reveals the latest plans

Yesterday, Mr Weak Bladder, head of the Globe’s football authority, GAFFA, re-iterated his all-inclusive, one football-family message in front of the world’s media, as he announced the latest World Cup hosts.

“I will not be diverted in my goal to make soccer the one truly global sport”, he quipped, pausing for the laughter to start before explaining, “soccer ball is truly international and any nation which pay..., err, which puts together the best plan, especially a nation which hasn’t held the tournament before, will be looked upon favourably by the hosting committee.”

The hardened football hacks in the audience should have taken this as a warning, but even they fell into incredulous silence as the 2026 tournament was announced.

“We at WIFA have never shied away from political conflict and now the opportunity presents itself to bring together, as joint hosts, two of the most diametrically opposed places on Earth”, explained Bladder. It will involve sacrifice, compromise and understanding, but I believe I would be failing in my duty as World President to overlook a unique chance to unite two places of vast potential and with much in common. Two places which jointly control 90% of the world’s most precious natural resource. Two places at the forefront of many scientific discoveries and yet which have rarely connected diplomatically, socially or culturally. It grieves me that they have never played a single soccer match against each other”.
"It grieves me that they have never played a single soccer match against each other"
Mr Bladder admits there will be difficulties but feels none are insurmountable. He assured fans the games offer far more opportunities than problems. During a sixteen-hour question and answer session he announced some necessary changes, including, for tele-visual reasons, every team will wear all-black kits; the usual ban on metal studs will be rescinded; matches will be shortened to two halves of just fifteen minutes; ten brand new stadiums with 1,000 seat capacity will be built along with 6 hotels, two transport hubs and 500 kennels.

Concluding the meeting, Mr Blatter was upbeat, “I call upon the world’s best players to converge on places such as Filchner, McMurdo, Gibbs Point, Dikson, Nutepelmen and Severomorsk and make the 2026 joint World Cup in the Artic and Antarctica the best yet”.

Plucky England was pulled out of the hat in the Group of Death. Allocated the only non-hotel location, the team will stay in Admunsen’s tent, close to the South Pole, before flying 11,000 miles to the Arctic town of Tromso, where they undertake a ten-day dog sled ride to face Spain in the first group match. Two days later they face Argentina in Tierra del Fuego, before turning round immediately for a final match, 12 hours later, against Germany in Rovaniemi in Finland.

“Not too bad”, declared Roy Hodgson.