Dear Aunt Agony

KT POOLIE finds a revealing document

Phone hacking is going through a hiatus since the recent problems in national papers, but searching bins often gets results.  A recent trawl outside the Pools training ground revealed the following discarded letter which I felt had to be shared with Monkey Bizz Readers.

Dear Aunt Agony,
I’m torn between my old mates and some new ones I’ve been mixing with.   It’s doing me head in! 
Things have been going well for me at work since my apprenticeship ended.  The gaffer has been giving me more responsibility and seems pleased with my progress, despite my youth.   He’s always bigging me up to his mates in Middlesbrough and the local press.  He’s given me a role every week alongside, an experienced guy, ‘Walts’,  and even he has stopped balling me out every few minutes.  
Last week was the best ever.  I put in a cracking shift and topped it off with a belting game-changer which had all the lads hugging and high-fiving me.  Now the big bosses down in that London have been in touch and I have been asked to work with some of the country’s top young performers.  Even Jack didn’t achieve that before he moved down to the Posh.
" I almost choked on the clouds of David Beckham’s 'Instinct' "
But that’s when the trouble started.  All of the others were from Premier organisations and had never heard of Teesside, never mind our place. They turned up in BMW 7 Series, XJs, Aston Martin Rapides  - I had to ask Dad to park the Focus round the back.  My chin fell open at the Versace suits, Charles Tyrwhitt shirts and Tag Heuer watches – and I almost choked on the clouds of David Beckham’s 'Instinct'.    

At first I was overwhelmed but one of the guys said something comforting, “Wossmatta, Geeza, ya look a bit dan in the maff”, which I took to mean I looked a little sad.  I explained it was all new to me.  “Safe mayt, chek out me new henri's” he replied, pointing to his tracksuit bottoms – Henri Lloyd, apparently.

I felt more accepted after the welcome party – One Direction performed on top of a castle carved out of champagne ice and we all got goody bags with an Apple TV, a 3-D head-mounted mini cinema and Onyx Wireless headphones.   Dad says he’s buggered if he knows where we can put the Fish Tank coffee table.

The thing is though, the time away from work was fabulous, darling, but now the day job is sooo mundane and the boys seem just, like, well-jel and all that.   I asked Big Sam round for a coffee from my new machine – another pressie.  I gave him a venti grande hot soy with extra foam, split with a half-squirt of sugar-free vanilla and an ooja-berry biscotto – but he wasn’t impressed.   Dad says I was lucky to escape with a thick ear and a kick up the backside.  What do you think?

Your loving nephew,