KT POOLIE has a scoop of Olympic proportions

The Twittersphere is buzzing with excited rumours this month as fans anticipate a season opening spectacular at the Vic. Buoyed by the success of the London 2012 opening ceremony, the gossip from a well-known Throston establishment says that Pools have hired an Oscar winner to direct the players and some volunteers in a never-to-be-forgotten celebration of the new season.

Now, in a sensational scoop, this reporter can declare the rumours to be true. Searching through a waste disposal edifice at the back of the shops, I chanced upon a blueprint for the event. There can no longer be any doubt.

I have the envelope in front of me now. Inside a green, rectangular slip of paper appears to be a scribbled early draft, containing the words:

18 Aug. My tips for the big day. These are sure things so keep them to yourself! See you in the theatre of dreams, Boydy.

1:15 – Flying Vic

1:30 – Party Doctor

1:50 – Exiles Return

2:10 – Dazzling Light

2:30 – Barons Spy

3:00 – Kicken Off

What does it mean? Fortunately my footballer’s knee flared up last week and during a day of analgesic treatment from my hash pipe the truth emerged.

The green paper represents the award-winning surface at the Vic - you don’t need a brain trained on the novels of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to deduce that!

‘Flying Vic’ is a reference to that stalwart of all good ceremonies, an aircraft display. The afternoon begins with a low fly past by a light plane from Teesside airport. Its passing heralds the appearance on the pitch of...

volunteers dressed as doctors and nurses supporting a youth team who are carried about on NHS stretchers. Clearly an allegory of the poor performance of the team in recent times, before...

the homecoming of the Scot. Carrying a Never Say Die flag, Neale Cooper leads out the team bedecked in blue and white kit to complete a lap of honour before...

fireworks and floodlights brighten the sky causing the supporting masses to peer upward as...

the aircraft returns trailing blue and white smoke through which a lone parachute opens and Micky Barron dressed as 007 lands in the centre circle to take his seat in the dugout in time for...

...the big kick off.

And the director’s name? It can only be the nickname of legendary Hollywood director, Danny Boyle.

Well done Ken and Russ – another marketing first for League One.

Hope you’ve got your season tickets, it’s going to be a year of great sporting achievement.