Shocking revelations by KT POOLIE

A police enquiry into the world’s most prestigious football tournament, the East Durham Cup, has cleared officials of any wrong-doing. Suspicions were raised when the next two tournaments were awarded to High Hesleden Masonic Lodge despite it having neither a football pitch nor a team.

Chief Inspector White, known as whitewash of the yard, and the investigator in charge of a recent ‘phone hacking' scandal, was appointed by Parliament yesterday afternoon to investigate alleged bribery over the awarding of the tournament locations for the 2018 and 2022 events.

After an extensive, 20 minute scrutiny of the bid process White delivered his verdict, “My team has trawled through mountains of documentary, photographic and video material and discovered no evidence of corruption. One-hundred and seventy-three envelopes stuffed with £5 notes were found to be from a regular lottery ticket syndicate and the supposedly damning video wouldn’t play in our Betamax machine”.
There was incredulity from the bookies’ favourites, Shildon AFC, whose bid was headed by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Sir Elton, Lord Major and David Beckham, “Our tender was widely acknowledged to be the most lavish event seen in Shildon since George Stephenson’s horseless-carriage launch party in 1830. We had two fellas making balloon animals and a woman with some face-paints”.

Expressing relief at the outcome, the Cup committee agreed to prevent future problems by staging the next 50 competitions in a newly-commissioned, purpose-built, permanent stadium located 25 miles off-shore.

Meanwhile, Mr Seb Platter, the current president, has agreed to stand-down from the committee and is closing his newspaper, The News of the World Cup, stating, “My daughter, Michelle Blattini is ready to take the competition to the next level in its new home. Meanwhile I am devoting all my energies to my new business, Floating International Football Arenas, or FIFA, which has recently received a major order”.