Monkey Business, the Pools fanzine, like!

This was a one-off to kill several birds with one stone. Pools were once again in the playoff zone, playing Cardiff at home in their last match, and the previous Monkey Business had sold out in only 2 matches, so we thought we'd go for it. There was another reason, that we wanted to try out some printing ideas for the new season. As a result of the rush it ended up thinner than usual, so it was sold for only 50p. We had to reprint it for the home playoff leg.

I am a former international football manager, and, despite only being 56, I have decided to retire at the end of this season. Do you think I am doing the right thing?

Taking early retirement is something most people claim to want, yet few have the means to do. Presumably you will have the means, and you seem quite set on the change. However, it’s worth bearing in mind the fact that some people retire and live to regret it. They begin to tire of the reality of meaningless days just pottering about. So, before you jump off the gravy train, try to imagine yourself in a year’s time, hoeing the turnips, and ask yourself if you’re likely to find yourself saying "Do I not like this?"

I have only recently coming to your country with the football, and am at home feeling already, but I am having a question for asking of you. Can you recommend a way to cover up my prominent front-head. I have heard about hair transplants. Do they working?

I’m afraid I don’t know too much about hair transplants, but I’m more interested in what makes football people tick. Many years ago we had a similar situation with Jimmy Hill, who grew a goatee beard to try to cover up his rather lengthy chin. When he wrote to me, I recommended that it should come off, and sure enough, the beard came off. (I actually meant that he ought to have his chin shortened, but never mind!) So in similar vein I will make a similar suggestion: why not consider having your chin removed? It will make your face look less long, so your hair will automatically look nearer to your tie, and not so obtrusively distant.

As a high-profile businessman and sports benefactor, it has come to my attention that many people in the North-East regard me as a bit of a joke, just because I am prepared to stand up and be counted, on radio and television.

Many other football club chairmen are prepared to just hob-nob with visiting directors, and are never heard of from one year to the next, but that’s not my style. Can you suggest ways to improve my presentation when being interviewed in the media?

As many have found to their cost (a recent victim was Mrs. Prince Edward), you can’t simply wade in there and expect to be in control of the interview, unless you are every bit as prepared as the interviewer, and also familiar with the traps they may set you.

Always consider the implications of what you are saying, and if in doubt, say nowt is probably the best advice.

However, as the people who follow that advice are the ones who make boring interviewees, and won’t be asked back, perhaps you’re doing alright just as you are. And having the rare gift of being able to make people laugh, it would be a pity to waste it!

After the phenomenal success story of James Sharp, who a year ago was playing for Andover (wherever that is!) and left his full-time job to try his luck with Pools, do you think I might be able to do the same? I am currently playing in the Third Division for Darlington.

As you say, James Sharp has done really well at Victoria Park, but I’m afraid that I have to inject a note of realism here, and point out that the gulf between your current club and Pools is probably just a bit too wide to take the risk.

Monkey Business Playoffs Special May2001