Monkey Business No. 54 April/May 2001

H'Angus (aka 'King Dong')

Harry Potter and the Stadium of Gloom

Harry Potter was talking to his friend Hagrid, "I need to get to Hartlepool today."

"Why?" asked Hagrid scratching his beard with one hand and his stomach with the other.

"Well. you see today Hartlepool play Darlington and I would love to be there - you see -," said Harry talking faster, "My great uncle George used to play for Hartlepool in the 1970's."

"Err Yes," said Hagrid pressing the statistic button on his tunic. "212 appearances. 4 goals and he had a fine moustache and side whiskers - but they were not as fine as mine."

"Well no," said Harry "But can you help me?"

Well you can travel there by floo powder - I have a distant muggle relation who lives in Hartlepool in a place called Wagga. His name is Big Gibbo and he lives in Barbara Cartland House. I'll give you a note and you'll be fine - but you must be back here by 7 o'clock muggle time tonight.

"Right" said Harry, who didn't like floo powder travel and younger readers will remember that Harry once got lost going to Diagon Alley.

"OK" saidHagrid "Step into the fireplace."

As Harry did so, a shower of blue stars appeared and Hagrid shouted "Big Gibbo's flat!"

Harry, suddenly found himself in a flat in Barbara Cartland House, a man somewhat like Hagrid only uglier was staring at him and said loudly, "I'm Big Gibbo."

"And I'm Harry Potter."

"I used to live in a castle," said Gibbo.

"I go to school in a castle, called Hogwarts.

"But I am famous."

"I am world famous," said Harry.

"Err, that's all right then." said Gibbo, having reached the extent of his verbal repertoire.

Harry explained that he was in Hartlepool to go to the match against Darlington.

"Don't go any more," said Gibbo, "I can't remember why."

A loud banging on Gibbo's door was followed by the entrance of Darren Veggieburger. "Hi Gibbo, just thought I'd collect your 'Pools On The Move' money before I left for Darlo."

Gibbo reluctantly handed over his £1, "Err, will you take this lad with you?"

"Sure," said Darren, "There's always room for one more in Herman's minibus.

"I'm Harry Potter," said Harry.

"And I'm Darren - let's go and meet the others.

The usual crew, plus Harry, piled into Herman's mini-bus for the trip to Darlo, Harry had not met many muggles before so he did not find the group of Herman the German, Darren, Maureen, Martina Hollund and Cecil Clarty in any way odd. Martina was knitting a scarf which she said was for Anthony Williams and Cecil was designing what he claimed would be an exciting new strip for 'Pools, in a rather large notebook. Harry suddenly felt cold, even though the sun was shining.

"We are almost there," said Herman, as he rounded the Feethams roundabout and drove into a nearby car park. As they approached the football ground Harry began to feel colder and colder, but once settled behind the goal with the other poolies he began to feel better as the teams ran out.

Hartlepool had most of the attacking play during the first half hour.

"Their goalkeeper is leading a charmed life." said Herman as he pulled off another save.

Harry suddenly realised why he had felt cold. Someone was assisting the Darlo defence. Slipping his invisibility cloak out of his pocket. Harry put it on and as he disappeared from view he could see Draco Malfoy, wrapped in his own invisbility cloak, stood' , on the Darlo goal line, with 4 elves kicking and punching every ball that came their way.

Harry ran towards the Darlo goal just as Darlo broke away put the ball over the Pools defence and into the net. The game was only 37 muggle minutes old and we were one goal down.

"Hey Draco, what are you doing?" asked Harry.

"Making sure that your stupid team loses." sneered Draco.

'No chance Mafoy." said Harry as the whistle went for half time and Harry returned to the-Poolies behind the goal.

Harry needed to act swiftly and he slipped a bongo pill into Cecil' s half time Bovril. After a couple of of sips, Cecil began to feel queer. (In his defence, Cecil often felt queer) It was as though a veil had been lifted from his eyes as he looked at Harry. "You're a wizard."

"I am, and you Cecil are going to help me."

As the second half began Harry explained to Cecil. "We are going to ensure that 'Pools get at least an equaliser."

Do you play football?" asked Cecil.

"No, I play quidditch." said Harry.

"Never heard of that, it must be a new game."

"No, it began in the 11th century, I know some people who have played it for over 100 years."

"That must be the Darlo forward line, but what are we going to do?"

"Easy." said Harry. "Now that you have taken your bongo pill you are invisible to other muggles, er, I mean humans. You and I will run onto the pitch, here's Ethel." Harry handed Cecil a jam jar with an ugly looking elf in it. "I will release some elf-fog that will blind all those invisible defenders on the Darlo goal line and you will release Ethel as near as you can to Darren Knowles.

"I like Darren." said Cecil "Ethel won't hurt him, will she?"

"Off course not," said Harry "Lets go!"

Harry and Cecil jumped over the fence and ran towards the-Darlo goal that was once again under attack by 'Pools. It was the 73rd minute, Harry released the elf-fog that blinded the invisible elf defence. Cecil released Ethel who jumped up at Darren knowles and bit him on the bum. Darren swung round in shock and his foot connected with the ball and it flew into the net. 1-1. And that was how the game ended.

As the equaliser went in, the Stadium Of Gloom started to brighten up. Harry felt warm for the first time.He and Cecil returned to the other Poolies before the invisibility wore off.

On the return journey, Harry felt tired but happy.Cecil had a headache as a result of the pill. Martina thought she might be in love with Darren Knowles.

And as for Darren Knowles, for some reason he couldn't explain why he had a very painful mark on his bum.

An Unimportant Poolie