Monkey Business No. 53 February/March 2001

I've seen muddy pitches before, but nowt like this"

hey're Off!

Following the shock cancellation of the home game on New Year's Day, Chip Fireball in conjunction with local refs, has produced this unique guide for Pools fans everywhere. .

Don't waste time making arrangements for games that might be off, simply check our easy-to-use guide first.

Feb 20th Torquay (H)

I spoke to local ref Alf Badger about the likelihood of this game taking place. Here's his frank verdict.

"Mid Feb is the height of the locust season and I just cant see this game going ahead. Playing on a carpet of locusts is pretty much a non-starter. To be fair to the away side and all 3 of their travelling support the sensible thing would be to call this one off now."

March 6th Rochdale (H) )

I spoke about this game to local ref Alf Bodger. Here is his pessimistic verdict.

"Not a lot of people realise that Roseberry Topping in the Cleveland Hills is an inactive volcano. Imagine if it erupted an hour before this game and there was a prevailing southerly gale force wind at the time. The Vic would be covered in a carpet of ash. Have you ever seen 22 players trying to cope with a foot of volcanic ash underfoot? It does not bear thinking about. I'd call this one off now!"

March 17th Brighton (H) )

For this one I spoke to local ref Jimmy Insane. Here is his bleak forecast.

"Beware the ides of March nearly, and beware the giant worms. They are out there I tell you. You can't see them because they live underground, but they are there. Oh woe betides any that fail to heed this warning. Beware the giant worms, the giant hairy worms, the giant hairy man-eating worms that live under the pitch and breed in Greatham Beck and visit me in my dreams for they will tear the limbs from all who venture on this ground."

Er thanks Jimmy, we reckon this one should be rated a non-starter too.