Monkey Business No. 51 Oct/Nov 2000

Monkey Business has now done an extensive survey of all those who matter in football, to come up with the definitive answer to this perennial question.

Football managers explain:

Arsene Wenger

"From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."

David O'Leary

"To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season."

Sir Alex Ferguson

"As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch."

George Graham

"I want good, solid team chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told & how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!"

Gianluca Vialli

"When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch for Chelsea."

Peter Reid

"Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!"

Glenn Hoddle

"The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken."

Brian Clough

"If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey."

Ron Atkinson

"Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed."

Ruud Gullit

"I am hoping to see some sexy poultry."

Gordon Strachan

"I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck."

John Gregory

"Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him."

Kevin Keegan

"OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road. "I would love it, just love it if tha t chicken crossed the road. And I'll tell you something, when you start talking about chickens like that, well I tell you the chicken has really gone down in my estimation.''

Joe Royle

"I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs."

Mystery Manager

"Well I know I should have been watching the chicken, but I was at his house knobbing his missus"

Bryan Robson

"Err ahh looked arrim and err thought that for errr an ex-international chicken he looked err the part and he can probably do a job for us, bu rerrr at £16 million for a 42 year old, ee's a bit cheep so a'll wayte until the press force his price up then pounce."

Commentators explain:

Alan Hansen

"Well, for me that's just rank bad driving. That chicken should never have been in that position to even think about crossing the road. The two big trucks should have been there and there and said 'You're going nowhere, pal.' But they opened up and suddenly he's got acres of space an d he nicks across. We never did that at Liverpool, let me tell ya."

Barry Davies

"Oh, I say. That is quite brilliant. El Pollo, this superbly athletic Spanish chicken, danced between the traffic with the utmost grace. Watched on by his father El Paso del Bernardo de Mattheus. The future's bright, dare I venture that he obviously went to work on an egg? (with smug rising inflection.)"

Andy Gray

"Whooooooaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Will ye look at that? That is absolutely sensational. Who would have thought it, eh? The chicken. And the road. And if it carries on like this we could be in for a real cracker."

John Motson

"The chicken? Well, actually there's quite an amusing story about this chicken. His dad was one of the first to cross a motorway, near Birmingham, a nd I have to say he did it quite beautifully, causing all sorts of problems, and, ha ha, it looks like this little chicken is looking to uphold the family tradition. Incidentally, the road he's hoping to cross is 50% tarmac and 30% asphalt with a new rubberised compound mixed in. So it will be interesting to see just how that affects the walk."

Kenneth Wolstenholme

"Some chickens are on the road, they think they can cross over. (Screeech! Cluck! Bang!) They can't now."

Ray Simpson

Welcome back to Feethams where there's good news for Darlo fans in that another chicken drowned while trying to cross the er pitch.

Alistair Brownlee

Oh joy Oh joy, look at the Patagonian Pullet Fly, Straight down the middle and now he sweeps away to take the adulation of the hordes.

Bob Moncur

Nahw steady on there Alaisturr, he did exactly the same run week in and week out when he was crossing Rhodes with Bantams and ye never hurrd them bleating on. Just maykin my point Alistair.

Clem & Fischer

Can you believe it Fish pie? He crossed there without looking both ways. Phone in now with your comments on the Chicken Run 01642 225511, but only if you're rat arsed, then we can take the piss out of chickens togetherrrr Ohhhkay lets get back to Addo in the studio while we go and pick up the feathers.

Stuart Hall

Oh, the drama, the sheer excitement of it. Picture, if you will, a chicken, resplendent in pristine plumage, excitedly, expectantly, awaiting a gap in the traffic. The sun beaming down, with nary a cloud to be seen, and just here and there a faint wisp, delicately drifting like chiffon in the gentle breeze. And all around spectators feeling they were in for something special. They had come in myriad numbers to view a mesmerising spectacle. But would they be disappointed? Or would their hopes be dashed as so often before, cast, like last night's curry, into the wheely-bin of underachieving history? The object of their interest, the hero of the moment, was standing proudly before them like a Roman gladiator, showing all the confidence that superstardom brings. He flexed his muscles. A deathly hush descended. The atmosphere was electric. All eyes were on this majestically plumed creature preparing to run for very life itself....

Unfortunately, due to lack of space we have had to end here, but the subsequent two pages of Stuart's report will appear in the next edition of MB, if we can't find something better.

Gerry's Hanky, Bill the Biro, and others