Monkey Business No. 49 April 2000

Suspended sentence for brawl pair

A Saturday-night drink last weekend at the Corner Flag, the Hartlepool United fans' pub, ended in a brawl, Hartlepool magistrates have been told, after two drinkers were said to have just gone berserk.

As a result, Mervyn Monkey, a magazine seller, formerly of Monkey Mansions, Hartlepool, but currently of no fixed abode, and H' Angus Monkey (no relation), a children's entertainer, of Victoria Park, Hartlepool both received suspended sentences of 150 hours community service.

Giving evidence, PC Parsons reported that he had been called to a disturbance at the Corner Flag at about 10 pm. On arrival he found the two defendants fighting with each other on the floor. He broke up the fight and tried to take statements from the participants but couldn't understand a word from either, so they were promptly taken off to Hartlepool police station, where they were charged with disorderly conduct, and given a night in the cells.

Witness Paul Mullen, a sports media mogul, described how Mervyn, a regular at the Corner Flag for many years, had come in and taken his usual seat. Then, while he was in the toilet, H'Angus, (who had only recently moved to the town, but had made himself a well-known and popular figure) took the seat vacated by Mervyn. The return of Mervyn was followed by a heated argument, leading to the brawl.

Mervyn apologised to the court, saying that the newcomer (H'Angus) had just come into town and taken over, and the chair incident had taken him to the end of his tether.

Passing sentence, Chief Magistrate Mr. Albert Pierrepoint said that Hartlepool has a record of coming down hard on their kind, and would not stand for a repetition of such unruly behaviour.

Paging Sammy Lee

In Part 1 of this exclusive interview, Chip Fireball talks to new Hartlepool Mail Sports Reporter Samantha Lee.

CHIP:

So, Samantha, do you have a boyfriend?

SAMANTHA:

Yes.

Don't miss Part 2 of the Samantha Lee exclusive in the next edition of Monkey Business.

Read how Chip asks our new Hartlepool Mail Sports Reporter if she wants to go to the pictures - half price Tuesday Special.

..and another thing

Look, at the end of a season which, compared to most over the years, has been a roaring success, it may seem churlish to moan about Pools.

But it's a free country and we all have a right to have our opinions. It's even possible that the current regime at Victoria Park is totally different to all its predecessors it might just listen. So here goes:

When is somebody either going to clean the glass on the floodlights or put new bulbs in and try 60 watt ones this time instead of the 40s that are in now?

Can we either never field players like Tommy Miller and Gary Jones in the same team, or get a strip that gives fans the chance to see the numbers clearly?

Is there any chance the Mill House Stand could be cleaned now that the Jock builders have finished there? The seats are a disgrace and an insult to people who pay to watch.

Will the club ever finish the job and put a big sign on the Cyril Knowles stand telling people exactly who is commemorates?

When daft clubs offer stupid money for players, can we snap their hands off instead of mouthing a load of bullsh*t about keeping our best players? Tommy Miller is bound to leave eventually and when clubs can get a Tibetan international for £1m, you are hardly likely to do much better than the £500,000 Wigan bid for him.

Sorry about all that, but it needed to be said.

By the way Pools - Thanks for the season.

The Welder