Monkey Business No. 47 January 2000

SUNSCREEN & SCARVES

Every summer, during the close season a little madness strikes the nation as footballers take their summer break and the 'Nutters' take over. This takeover is especially true of the TopTwenty.

This summer's little bit of madness was produced by an Australian nutter called Baz Luhrmann and was titled 'Sunscreen'. Baz was previously known to 'nutter watchers' as the director of the offbeat but very successful film "Strictly Ballroom", but last year he let himself down badly by produdng a film of Romeo & Juliet without changing a single one of Bill Shakespeare's words.

However, this summer he bounced back. He found the words to 'Sunscreen' on the Internet where they had been copied from an American newspaper column that had originally appeared in the Spring of '99.

The column began by giving tongue-in-cheek advice to young people which began with the words 'Wear Sunscreen'. Now of course it's far too cold in Hartlepool to wear sunscreen at matches, we are all much better off with a scarf. So here is the 'Poolie version:-

WEAR A POOLIE SCARF

Ladies and gentlemen of the season of '99, wear a Poolie scarf.

There is no scientific basis to any benefit this may bring.

Just as there is none to the other advice I have to give, other than a love of Hartlepool United in particular and humanity in general.

Remember the players of your youth, for their skill and grace. For as long as I live, Tommy McGuigan, George Luke and Kenny Johnson will be my heroes. Remember your heroes.

Get to know your mam and and dad - you never know when they will be gone.Your dad probably took you to your first Poolie match and your mam probably knitted him his first Poolie scarf.

Get along with your siblings, even if they support Sunderland, they are the nearest thing to yourself

Live in London once, but come back before you lose your warm Northern ways. Never ever live in Darlington.

Accept that friends come and go, but a few will remain throughout your life.Cherish those of your youth that stood with you on the terraces- for as you get older, you need those that knew you when you were young.

Do not read beauty magazines, or anything to do with Manchester United - it will only make you feel ugly.

Floss, Stretch and take Calcium. (This is not the Chelsea forward line) look after your body, it is the finest machine you will ever own. Be neither afraid nor ashamed of it, look after it, it is the only one you will ever have.

Don't mess with your hair, or when you are 40 you will look like Roy Hogan. If you have no hair, don't worry, you do not need hair to be a hero and a superstar - don't take my word for it, look at Brian Honour.

Do not worry if you do not know what to do with your life. I have seen many players in a blue & white shirt who obviously had no idea what they wanted to do with their life, particularly on a football field.

Some of the most interesting people I know at 40 still don't know what they want to achieve. I myself have been around the world, lived and worked in Europe and Africa. I have been a delivery boy, a farm labourer, a soldier, a floor layer and an accountant, and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up, except wear a Poolie scarf.

Remember that football is played in the Second and Third Divisions. The rest are just millionaires fitting in the odd game between clubbing, drinking and playing badly for England.

Ignore jealousy. Sometimes you'll win and sometimes you'll lose. Opportunities are really just those things our forwards keep missing - half chances - take your half-chances but remember the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.

Sing, chant, but above all wear a Poolie scarf

An Unimportant Poolie