FOOTBALL SHORTS


JANE AUSTEN'S ALLEGRO




A TRUE STORY

A good friend of mine is shortly due to have an operation and he was told that he would have to have a tattoo put on his bowel as a marker to ensure the surgeon knew which part of the bowel to remove - I didn't believe this at first, either! My mate has a weird sense of humour and told the consultant that he'd never previously had a tattoo and so could he choose a design? The consultant went along with him. "What would you like?"

"Is it definitely going to going to be put on the inside of my bowel?"

"Yes, that is correct, the inside of your bowel."

"In that case, please can I have the Middlesbrough FC crest?"

I was half expecting my mate to tell me that the consultant was going to say "Sorry, but they have all been used up."


FOOD FOR THOUGHT

There was a photograph on the club website showing both Nicky Featherstone and Gavan Holohan modelling the new kit in the club shop. Someone pointed out that the one Featherstone was wearing was obviously targeting for the larger-sized prospective buyer, to give an idea of what an XXX large would look like.

With that in mind and in an effort to increase sales further, I would much prefer for the 2020/21 season strip to be launched not in the club shop but in a far more exotic landscape. Not only would I have the players modelling the kit but also the fans themselves, to show and give a true representation of what the strip would look in everyday real-life situations.

My first photo shoot would be on a tropical beach (Fish Sands will do) with a group of ageing grey-haired and balding (or both) Pools fans playing volleyball on the dogdirt-free beach to see how silly they look in a football top.

The next scene would see four or five fans leaning against the bar in their local, all with pints in their hands chatting away but in each case their shirts would be one size too small for them and we could see the skin-tight shirt stretching to bursting point from just below the sternum to the lower stomach, revealing in some cases, dare I say, lint-filled belly buttons.
"four or five fans leaning against the bar in their local, all with pints in their hands chatting away but in each case their shirts would be one size too small for them"

A snap involving the players is always a winner. I can visualise a group of them staring in disbelief at the sign in Verrills' window advising what the opening times are. Better still, how about a picture of a group of players with food stains on their new shirts, arguing as well as eating from carry-out boxes as they are leaving a takeaway ...Oh, I've just been informed that this has already been done, last season at Dover.


SNAPPY ANSWER

As we were leaving Bedford Terrace after the traditional pre-season bumper-pay-day match with Billy Town, Pools' second XI were about to begin their warming-down routine.

Liam Noble shouted across to Poolie photographer Frank Reid: "Hey, don't take any photographs of me running." Frank's brilliant quick-as-a-flash retort was: "I didn't get any of you running in the whole of the second half."

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