It's the Future

BILLY'S CONTRACT looks ahead


I am more a Hi Fi man rather than a Sci Fi one but I have often wondered what life would be like in the future. Unlike HG Wells' Time Traveller I have not the resources or the nous to construct a time machine but after four pints of draught Brewdog Punk IPA I must admit it was the next best thing. I certainly was floating and I don't think that was due to lack of gravity. 

I arrived in Hartlepool in the year 2040. I noticed that the roof of the Wesley Chapel has still not been replaced and Longscar Hall has yet to been demolished. On the plus side Church Street has been redeveloped yet again. The Town Moor is a moor no more as it houses a water theme park and a zoo, as well as the campus of the University of Hartlepool.

For old time's sake I thought I would pop down the High Street to Verrills to treat myself to fish fritter and chips but it was closed. Good to see that some things haven't changed.

In order to familarise myself with what was in the news I picked up a copy of The Hartlepool Mail. Fortunately I had the necessary £25 in loose change, and read the following articles:

POLITICS - Brexit negotiations are at an impasse. The Irish border question was resolved over twenty years ago, however the final stumbling block appears to be the government's demand for financial recompense for the bomb damage caused to the main stand at the Victoria Ground by a Zeppelin in 1916. Angela Merkel, who now resembles Davros in both looks and mobility said that this can only be granted if Britain in turn agrees to reinstate the name Das Germanic Ocean over that of the North Sea.

The French on the other hand are demanding the repatriation of the remains of the monkey which was hung during the Napoleonic wars, in order that can be accorded a state funeral with full military honours. The leader of Hartlepool Borough Council, the venerable Sir Jeffery Stelling MBE DSO and Bar says that we are not going to be roped into that one. The EU now consists of Germany, France, the Belgian Congo. the Sudetenland, Narnia and the north west tip of Iceland.
"Pools have been drawn in the third round of the Frank's Factory Flooring Cup against last year's Champions League winners, Stow-on-the-Wold"

Security has been stepped up at Hartlepool's newly-opened Seydlitz international offshore airport* while Prime Minister Jacob Rees Mogg and members of the cabinet, along with the world's paparazzi, are attending the annual Conservative Party conference at the Borough Hall.

The Prime Minister swept to power on the back of a promised referendum which saw both Hartlepool and West Hartlepool gain independence from each other. Some people claim that they were lied to over the vote, as to date there is no sign of the four promised blue AEC double decker buses on the road to West and back. In a similar referendum over in Teeside (they dropped one 'S'!), Stockton officially became part of Middlesbrough but many people had believed that this was already the case and that there was no requirement to have such a vote. Hartlepool itself has been welcomed back to County Durham with open arms and much jubilation.

In his election manifesto Mr Rees Mogg stated that he was going to repeal the Health and Safety at Work Act (1974) as he felt Health and Safety regulations had gone too far. Any requirements for the use of personal protective equipment and protective clothing would be abolished and in their place we would see the return of top hats, tails, white gloves, silk scarves, spats and monocles. Mr Rees Mogg claimed that it is not only about protecting the British worker, as looking debonair in the work place was equally important. He added 'If it was good enough for Isambard Kingdom Brunel it is good enough for the rest of us'.

In other news, Diane Abbott has been deselected as MP for Pity Me and Queen Nicola the First of Scotland has attended a fact-finding mission in Station Town with a view to Scotland rejoining the Union and becoming part of the United Kingdom again. She has been told to go forth and multiply.

BUSINESS - The Hartlepool firm Fettle Umate, builders of the two cantilever stands which increased the capacity of Victoria Park to 30,000, has won the contract to replace the head of the Statue of Liberty with one of Donald Trump in commemoration of his services to humanity. This project has been financed by Kim Jong Un, the leader of Korea.

FOOTBALL - Luke Williams' expected league debut has been put back a further two weeks owing to an ingrowing toenail. Hartlepool United, to quote U2, "Still haven't found what they're looking for" - a centre forward.

Pools have been drawn in the third round of the Frank's Factory Flooring Cup against last year's Champions League winners, Stow-on-the-Wold. Due to the continued demise of the once proud Manchester United, the League Two side have agreed to ground share with Salford City.

England's ladies unluckily lost to Brazil after missing a 91st minute penalty. The Brazilian manager Rayza said it was indeed a close shave.

Protesters outside Wembley Stadium have handed in a petition to the FA demanding that unisex football teams should be introduced. One banner read 'Football: it is all about men.' They stated that tennis and badminton allowed mixed doubles/unisex sides so why not football?

* The airport opening had been delayed due to the unfortunate test landing incident involving a jumbo jet and a wind turbine.

Front Page