April 01, 2016

Ivanashisms

Ivanashisms


As RUNNING MONKEY heard 'em



As any Pools fan would do, when your team are away you look out for the score or listen to the wireless to catch up on the game.

I am not a fan of Sky so this wireless thing is good for me. DIBDAB RADIO TEES, as they call it, gives you live match commentary. The Dib is for the Smoggies and the Dab is for the Poolies. The commentary is in a laid back style delivered by a couple of Pools fans, namely Ivan Ash, assisted by that ...err top notch sports writer for the Echo, Nick Laughline.

So there I was sitting on Saturday afternoon with my king size headphones tuning in to the commentary from the Orient. The thing I like about Mr Ash is, he is bit of a “wordsmith” with an unusual knack of sounding probably a bit posh, after all he is a country boy from the Yorkshire Dales. As a football pundit he is gentle on the ears, not your brash city boy who once played for a top club and knows it all. Mr Ash is a bit more like your radio two DJ who seems to have all the time in the world and never gets flustered or screams at the top of his voice when Pools score. As I said earlier, laid back with a much more sedate delivery. Even the tale of the Pools kit man (suffering from DVT* having travelled so many miles of late with the team) was put over in a calm, collected, even sentimental way.

In an interview with the Pools manager he asked Mr Hignett if he was “OBDURATE." "What does that mean?" was the manager's reply. I had to look it up too: stubborn. According to Mr Ash, Pools were playing in their M62 yellow strip and according to his assistant Mr Laughline the weather forecast was considered to be “swirling.”

The match begins:
Two minutes in and Pools have not touched the ball yet.
Orient's on-loan striker from Arsenal who has scored twenty three goals this season has not touched the ball either.
Not a lot of hair, this right back in the orange boots.
Nolan let go with that one and it went nowhere. How the mighty have fallen.
Tell everyone about the slope Nick.
Their twenty three-goal striker is on the ball; I suppose he is entitled to have a shot even if it was well wide.
They are claiming handball but it was only one hand.

The game progresses:
This lad runs like a threshing machine.
Even you could play in this game, Nick.
How hard is it to play the ball straight to the shin of your fellow man?
"They are claiming handball but it was only one hand."
Luke, he is five foot three, six stone wringing wet but he did his job.
Twelve yards out and the net should be hanging off yet all he could do was float a ball in.
Twenty three goals eh. He does a lot of good things but that was not one of them. It looked like an eight iron scuffler.
Good to see a Hartlepool hard man get in the penalty area.
Not seen the likes since Smith or Hartley, or your man, Nick, what was his name again? - Sword.
It is a better view here than in the hostility boxes.

Even some of the Pools side are not safe under the Ash gaze:
Magnay has the ball. Don’t shoot! You are a defender.
Thomas has really improved on his free kicks and corners. That was a dreadful corner from him.

Pools cruise to a win:
That could be a coffin nail for York.
Goal to Pools. Credit to them - to get the home fans booing.
Better bring on Jones for the Alamo.
He may have been tripped but he fell very late.
Higgy looks calm, unperturbed, almost obdurate.
Pools made a twenty three-goal striker look very ordinary.
A brief rain shower in Orient, if only I hadn't put my sheets on the line.
Erudite thoughts as boos ring out around the ground.
Four blank sheets, it is party time at Hartlepool.

* DVT = Deep Vein Thrombosis