February 01, 2013

Bling to Blyth – a footballer’s guide to financial probity


KT POOLIE dishes out some financial advice


The recent multi-million pound, one year contract extension for Cashley Cole suggests there’s no end in sight to eye-watering wages in the country’s Premier League.

Figures show the average Premier League salary has broken the £1m per annum mark during 2012, but such wages are not so certain in the lower leagues and, as the country heads towards a triple-dip recession, a new self-help book aimed at football players is published.

Penned anonymously, the book’s author is rumoured to be ex-Mags stopper Steve (Lumper) Lumley, currently plying his trade in division two of the Northern Premier League. Renowned for his extravagant lifestyle, Lumper was declared bankrupt in 2008 and now offers money management advice to young players.

Nags
“Don’t get dragged into gambling cliques at the club”, warns Lumper, “Some of the older pros are pretty switched-on and will take your appearance money, goal and win bonus and put it on a certainty at Wincanton. It inevitably loses.”
Lumper’s tips –
Never hand money over to anyone (even if he is the skipper) without finding out the name of the horse and checking the result later.

"The feeling you get when driving into the ground in the latest supercar is second only to mugging the ref off with a perfectly executed dive to win a penna"Hags
“Long away trips can be miserable, especially if you have to travel the day before. I hated being away from the missus, so often sought comfort elsewhere. But you don’t need to throw lots of cash around”
Lumper’s tips –
Brothels are struggling like everyone else. Two for One deals can be found a little further away from the local stadium. Remember you’re on the clock and those little extras soon mount up.

Jags
“The feeling you get when driving into the ground in the latest supercar is second only to mugging the ref off with a perfectly executed dive to win a penna”, boasts Lumper, “Don’t let the running costs run away with you though.”
Lumper’s tips –
Pay your parking fines early or they’ll soon overwhelm you. But, if you’re about to get a transfer just let them mount up – by the time the authorities catch up, you’ll be long gone. [Unless the skipper brings it to the chairman’s attention at the end of season bash - then you’re down two weeks’ wages as well - for bringing the club into disrepute.]
By the way, every club does not have a rule where the newby has to drive the skipper in for every home match. Check first.

Gags
“Watch out for those snooping journos.”
Lumper’s tips –
If you get caught say, snorting something you shouldn’t or fighting in the local, don’t bother with expensive gagging notices, it all comes out on Twitter anyway. Just ride it out for a few weeks, get yourself some media training – ‘How to express regret with genuine emotion’ by L Armstrong is good. Then get your agent to find a good TV confession programme – commercial channels pay most!

Wigs
“It’s in your genes – if your grandad’s bald, you probably will be!”
Lumper’s tips –
Unless you can afford a proper solution like Wazzer, get a hat and accept it. Everything else is a waste of money, believe me.

Wags
“I fell head-first into marriage with a pretty seventeen year-old I met in a nightclub in Manchester. Three weeks later it was the close season and we got hitched in Vegas; enjoyed a five star honeymoon in Tobago; bought a new six-bedroom place with ten acres and stables. Eighteen weeks after that the divorce papers landed.”
Lumper’s tips –
Remember to assign a designated gold-digger spotter – and make sure he stays sober, unlike Franky Collier! If you do find yourself in a hotel, waking up next to a blonde beauty, take her down to breakfast, introduce her to all the better-paid players in the team, make an excuse and leave.
If that fails, a good pre-nup is worth its weight.

Lags
“Learn from the professionals. After my third drink-driving incident, I wasted my time in Franklin nick instead of continuing my education. Tax avoidance, chipping set-top boxes, fake lotteries, property investment scams, it’s all available if you ask the right people. ”
Lumper’s tips –
A footballer’s career is short. Prepare early for income generation in later life.