April 06, 2012

The Pasty Tax and Footy

KT POOLIE reports on another problem for hard-pressed clubs


Premier League giant Manchelsea Hotspurs football club is tonight in disarray after the latest budget changes. Reeling from the lost revenues following their early exit from the European Champions League, the club was dealt a double whammy by Mr Osborne’s action on Pasties.

The Chancellor insists he is doing nothing more than tightening the VAT regulations to ensure that all hot food outlets pay the same tax on hot foods, a decision which has seen him ridiculed as the Nasty Pasty Chancellor or The Half-Baked Treasurer.

Manchelsea’s manager Benny Dallglish bemoaned the change. “Noo jist haud on! Ah dinnae ken wha the Skinny Malinky Tattyboggle in yon number 10 is thinkin’. It’s a’reet for thon Prime Minister wi’ his fancy-Dan, subsidised Hoose a Parliament lunches, but we cannae sell hot food? After the cock-up o’er Andy Carroll, ahm on a restricted budget.”"One can simply switch back to quail’s egg, aubergine and venison panini, but what about the unemployed chap on benefits in the North"

Fans protesting outside the club’s Emirates stadium were upset too, “OMG! I couldn’t believe it, to be honest. It’s like the dark ages of the 19th Century ‘n that, to be fair. The Gov’ment is ‘aving a laff, innit?, OMG!”, said one.

Another was more sanguine, “One can simply switch back to quail’s egg, aubergine and venison panini, but what about the unemployed chap on benefits in the North?”

Mr Osborne hit back on Tuesday’s NewsNight, describing his own love of fast food, “Like every Friday evening, I was in my local patisserie, J’Adore Mangetout where chef Albert Le Gausse makes a delicious lobster, orchid and jubi-berry turnover. Let me tell you, he welcomed the VAT increase as an aid to driving up the eating standards of ordinary people. The game wasn’t on the curriculum at Eton, so I’m unsure how a pasty is used to net a goal, but like Dave says, we are all in this together, so soccer has to move with the times”.

Late last night the Government appeared to be on the brink of a U-turn. This reporter understands the PM’s office has sent invitations to all Premier League managers for discussions over an informal lunch at Downing Street, £150,000 per head, plus VAT.