December 02, 2011

Psychic Monkey

KT POOLIE does a bit of astrology

Cancer
The recurrent nightmare in which you are slowly suffocated by a white elephant shows no sign of abating. Many of your workmates jump ship as a new performance related pay scheme results in a 50% pay cut. Famous Cancerians include Craig Liddle and Exodus Going-on.

Aries
Your month is ruined when colleagues ignore your meticulous planning. Everyone at work ends up bickering and a drunken episode results in an embarrassing early return from your overseas assignment. Famous Arians include Mike Tindall and Rob Andrew."The recurrent nightmare in which you are slowly suffocated by a white elephant shows no sign of abating. "

Sagittarius
If you have a job with responsibility for equality and diversity, then take extra care when speaking to the press. It is easy for the general public to get the wrong impression, after all they aren’t all like you – quite a lot of people these days oppose homophobia and racial segregation. If you find yourself offending, and a simple handshake at the end of your speech doesn’t calm things down, then try to deflect attention by calling for backup from that dark-skinned bloke in the PR department. Famous Sagittarians include Sepp Blatter and Anders Behring Breivik.

Taurus
An unbelievable week at work as, under your skilful guidance, your team somehow becomes world-beaters. Now is the time to press for that pay rise and an improved contract - £5m should be easily achievable. Act quickly though because you cannot be that lucky again and things don’t look good for the future. Famous Taureans include Fabio Capello and Andre Villas Boas.

Gemini
Your marriage goes through a sticky patch and you must act quickly to achieve reconciliation. Misunderstandings occur in every relationship especially if your partner is an impetuous Latino and you are an impulsive Mediterranean. If one of you walks away now it could ruin your planned adventure in Europe. Kiss and make up before your loved one falls for an Italian lover. Famous Geminis include Roberto Mancini and Carlos Tevez.

Capricorn
In hard economic times, look out for every opportunity to screw someone over. Start up your own bank offering accounts for anti-capitalists reluctant to leave their money with those unscrupulous financiers who got us in this mess in the first place. Famous Capricorns include Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair.